Unglued - Ch.6 ~ The Stuffers

I wanted to start by answering the questions from Melissa Taylor's blog....


1. What is the main point of Chapter 6, The Stuffers?

The main point is that stuffers stuff emotions for two reasons - either to collect retaliation rocks for later or to build a barrier of protection. We do this depending on who we are dealing with at the particular time.

2. What is your favorite sentence, paragraph, example from Chapter 6?

I think I am going to have a couple of these..."As a Christian woman I sometimes stuff because it feels more godly." Another is "My job isn't to fix the difficult people in my life or enable them to continue disrespectful or abusive behaviors. And I will end with this one: "...God whispers, "This is good. I hope you are listening so you can apply the same truth to your life." Man does that happen a lot or what??!!

3. Are you a stuffer? Do you know a stuffer? How will what you have read in this chapter help you?

Yes, I am a stuffer too, and I know a stuffer. This chapter is so amazing. It puts into words what I could not articulate. I have a better understanding of who I am and why I do what I do...now to make some imperfect progress!

4. Write one of the memory verses from memory. Ok...Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. I Peter 5:8

5. Share at least one of the reflection questions with the rest of us in the comment section of this blog. - Done - shared question #2.

Chapter 6 Refections:

Love Proverbs 10:19 - Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.

Proverbs 15:18 - A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

As a Christian woman I sometimes stuff because it feels more godly. The end result is that the hard feelings dissipate. If they don't, they get stuffed...and that's the trouble.

Open communication is the life giving oxygen that fuels good relationships. The difference between boundaries and barriers is honest transparency.

Ask yourself, "What do I really want in this situation?"

Impossible People  

All things are not possible with those who refuse to be led by the holy spirit. If someone has told me over and over by their actions and reactions that they will make my life miserable if I confront them, at some point I have to back away. I can control only myself. My job isn't to fix the difficult people in my life or enable them to continue disrespectful or abusive behaviors. Allow God to reveal some tender truths to you and stop focusing on the fixing the other person. Be obedient to God in the way I act and respond to those people.

Romans 12:17-18 - Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.



Processing Questions:

1. Will I still remember what I'm so mad about a month from now?

2. Am I trying to prove that I am right or to improve the relationship?


Questions that redirect my focus from proving myself to improving the relationship:

1. Will you help me understand why you feel this way?

2. Can we both agree to stick to the issue at hand and not pull in past issues?

3. What is a good desired outcome in this situation?

4. How can we meet in the middle on this issue?

5. What is something good that can come out of this issue - something that will improve our relationship moving forward?


Feelings

Feelings are indicators not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around. You are more than the sum total of your feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift from Jesus called self-control.

God gave me more than just a heart to use in processing life. He gave me a mind as well.

Unglued Ch. 5 ~ The Exploders

Well, we really have gotten into the dirt now...the exploders...yep, that's me...both the shame and blame kind.   This is just a brilliant chapter.  I love, love, love the statement about raw emotions...raw emotions won't sit quietly awaiting further instructions.  They'll move - outward if we explode and inward if we stuff.  They definitely come out of no where and knock me over for sure!  What a concept, though...have a plan for  the next explosion!  We do this in all sorts of other ways, why not with our emotions?

I remember a time when I had Fear as my idol.  I was afraid to be home alone at night when my husband was out of town, and I was afraid of large 18-wheeler trucks when I had to pass one on the freeway.  I had been watching a pastor on TV (Creflo Dollar), and he had a great sermon on fear...he said the next time you feel fear, just speak scripture...he told us a particular one:  "Greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world."  Amazing...you know I'm not afraid anymore of these things since I began years ago speaking this scripture when I was home alone during the night and when passing those 18 wheeler trucks.  Such an easy thing to do, and you wouldn't think that would be all you need to do, but it is.  It took me a month or two to feel some real progress, but it definitely worked.

Sipping shame...nice.
This is tough, but I do get it...don't want to have to guzzle regret later.  I always think of this prior to the explosion, but in the heat of the moment, it just comes right out, like I don't care if I regret it later.  But I do, I always do.  Another profound epiphany, is that the last thing we want to do is trade our unhealthy explosions for unhealthy stuffing.  That is a fine line to walk.  I could see how we could become stuffers so as not to explode.

People vs. Satan
The scale of people vs. Satan is also great...a very great perspective on things.  This is all about transforming and renewing our minds and thoughts and taking them captive.  It all fits in together.  We have been letting Satan win by doing this dumping.  I know I have for certain.  I will need to keep this book as a reference in my purse for the next time I feel an explosion coming on.  It isn't always an email that gets us worked up, it is in person...that's tough.  Gonna be taking lots of trips to the bathroom for humbly talks with God. :)

Honor. Grace. Compassion (HGC).
Choosing a gentle reply doesn't mean you are weak, it means you possess a rare and godly strength.  This goes along with my word of the year ~ Gentleness.

Self Control - boy that is a hard one to swallow.
I think I have this entire section highlighted! We do have a choice...to give the other person the power to control our emotions or hold our tongue and keep the power.  I want to react according to God's Word so I feel that power.  I have noticed just over the past couple of weeks during this bible study how my inner strength has grown.  Now, I must say I still had some explosion moments, but they were nothing like before, and they were fewer than before.  It seems things just aren't ticking me off like they did just a couple of weeks ago.

Self Control is the fruit of the Holy Spirit.  Holy Restraint is the seed of this fruit.  I can see this already going on in my life somewhat over the last couple of weeks since beginning this study.  So neat to see how God's Word works internally through us. Love the analogy of the cake that couldn't withstand the pressure of an undone center.

Here's what I am taking away from Ch. 5:

• Raw emotions won't sit quietly awaiting further instructions.  They'll move - outward if we explode and inward if we stuff.
• Sip the shame so you won't have to guzzle the regret.
• Do not trade unhealthy exploding for unhealthy stuffing.
• Don't do Satan's work for him by dumping on each other.
• Honor...Grace...Compassion in my responses.
• Choosing gentle reply doesn't mean you are weak, just given rare and godly strength.
• Feelings are indicators not dictators.
• Infuse my heart with holy restraint so I can develop self control.  Holy restraint is the seed that produces the fruit of self control.
• Find quiet place (bathroom) to do the following:  
• humble ourselves
• get in a more rational place
• anxiety gives way to progress
• acknowledge the real enemy
• God will use conflict for good

My prayer:  Lord, I pray that my raw emotions do not cause me to explode or stuff.  I also pray that I am able to sip the shame so I won't have to guzzle regret later.  Give me gentleness, strength and self control to respond with honor, grace and compassion in all that I do.  May my tongue be guarded by your word and may all that I say be glorifying to you, God.  Infuse my heart with holy restraint so I can develop self control. In Jesus name...Amen.

Unglued Ch. 4 What kind of Unglued am I?

What an amazing chapter!!  I think I highlighted everything in this chapter.  I found myself, like Lysa, I fit into all 4 categories.  It is so true that we are a different kind of unglued person based on the person involved.  What I find interesting about myself is that I feel I've got to tell someone about my unglued moments...I think I need to do less of that, and more of just blogging or journaling it out.  Since I work from home, I don't interact with as many people as one would going into an office or workplace setting.  And, I am the type of person who needs people interaction to stay sane.  :)  I am on the phone a lot during my work, but it isn't the same as physical interaction with people.  I think the journaling or blogging works better for me.  If I come unglued using the stuffer method, I don't have to then go "unstuff" it onto someone else using the exploder method.  Boy, do I need help or what?!

I can so relate to Lysa's section of the Exploder who Blames Others...at first, I thought, no that isn't me...I don't blame others, that's my husband (LOL)!  There I go...blaming others already.  Then, Lysa described her morning with the kids, and I can't tell you how much I laughed and could so relate to this story!!  I think I'm going to have my "shine-my-mommy" halo day, and it ends up like a noose around my neck moments later.  Heck yeah!!  That is me too.  Then, you end up telling your kids if they had only done this or that, then  mommy wouldn't have blown up.  I thought it was just me, and I'm never getting out of this whirlwind spiral of emotions that enslave us...man I can't wait to read more, so I can get out of this mess of raw emotions.

What I take away is the Soul Integrity...I long for this.  I have to read this section over and over to really get it in my head.  Truth and godliness walk hand in hand, and you can't divorce one from another.  I'm glad we have some more days before reading on, so I can really marinate in Chapter 4, especially the soul integrity part.  Bulletpoints I'm focusing on this week:

• The tell-tale sign of an exploder, is not the decibel level.
• Soul integrity is honesty that is godly. It brings the passion of the exploder and the peacemaking of the stuffer under the authority of Jesus.
• Soul integrity means watching our words - oh God chisel this off of me!  I can't do this part, only you can!!  
• Self effort alone cannot tame the tongue and our raw emotions that run wild. Out of the same mouth come cursing and praise!  I need some spiritual duct tape.
• Our words must be spoken in humility that comes from wisdom.

My prayer:  God, show me all the ways that I am an exploder and a stuffer, and chisel me.  I pray that I have honesty that is godly and show me how to develop soul integrity.  Lord, guard my tongue, may I only speak words that are glorifying to you God.  May I speak in humility and grant me your wisdom oh God.  Teach me this Lord, in your name I pray...amen.

Duct tape photo from: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.furhappens.com/files/SmallImages/ducttape.jpeg&imgrefurl=http://furhappens.com/dtd.html&h=288&w=283&sz=14&tbnid=ZEqZCOOi8b_uXM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=88&zoom=1&usg=__kdZruhpCtZf6UU1PmMTFt12qptY=&docid=Bzc8mG3f1zOAQM&sa=X&ei=W1dsUKLGFOrM2AWVqoCIAw&ved=0CCUQ9QEwAQ&dur=1443

Unglued Ch. 3 ~ Prisoner

When reading Ch. 3, Lysa sure does know how to grab a reader's attention.  In each of the chapters so far, she tells a story in her life, then she explains how to overcome whatever issue was in the story.  I really am enjoying this book and I am very surprised that I am not the only one out there going through being "unglued" from time to time.  Yay for all the freak out women out there learning not to be a freak out woman (it's hard).

So, usually in the mornings before school is usually when my freak out moment occurs...when one of the boys didn't complete a task that they're responsible for.  These used to be my freak out moments...but God is good.  We've since trained the boys to get up and complete their chores without us having to hound them, which used to get me to my freak out moment of the day. We get up early enough for them to complete them so we don't have to rush out the door with my hair on fire trying to get them to school timely.  I am a person who loves checklists, since I don't want to have to remember everything that needs to happen each day.  I made them a checklist...this seems to be God's gift to keeping calm (for me at least).  God is showing me how to be prepared as to avoid these freak out moments.

Back to the book...I love it when Lysa talks about the David sculpture.  I could really relate to this story...Letting God chisel us, which then led to the scripture from Ephesians 2:10.  I am trying to marinate on these scriptures, since each time I recite them to myself, I learn a little more.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10.

Image from http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://static.ddmcdn.com/gif/michelangelo-1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/arts/artwork/michelangelo.htm&h=498&w=400&sz=45&tbnid=TLwB8MA_3eRRlM:&tbnh=91&tbnw=73&zoom=1&usg=__oX2seuOs3WV9DqqVIloSY9YrKPM=&docid=-x58pza5LRadFM&sa=X&ei=qg5rUNOnGcfSqgHmo4GIDA&ved=0CCIQ9QEwAA&dur=1437

Tips from Ch. 3 that I took away:

• Labels are awful.  They imprison us in categories that are hard to escape.
• Labels only stick if I let them.  (ex. Punchinello in the You are Special book)
• Oh God, chisel me.  I don't want to be locked in my hard places forever. (ex. David sculpture)
• "Let God chisel...let Him work on my hard places so I can leave the dark places of being stuck and come into the light of who He designed me to be."
• A messy closet doesn't make me a mess...It makes me a child of God who has a messy closet.
• Unglue the labels.
• Identify label that is a lie, and that is meant to tear me down.
• Choose to view the circumstance as a call to action, not a call to beat myself up mentally.
• Use the momentum of tackling the first label, to tackle the next label.